


finding our way back

by archivedjemily



Series: what's yours will find you [7]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: But theres a lot of angst, F/F, They love each other, also they make out against a car, basically just a lot of emotions, because they dont think the other could ever love them back, so there's that, stupid idiots in love, you get it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:09:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27033214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/archivedjemily/pseuds/archivedjemily
Summary: emily keeps telling jj to go for will, and jj has had enough. jj/emily
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Series: what's yours will find you [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1943773
Comments: 5
Kudos: 133





	finding our way back

“You’d make a cute couple.”

Emily pushed the sentence out of her mouth, the words tasting bitter and a lot like defeat. 

JJ was standing next to her, and couldn’t help her face from falling, wondering why Emily seemed so insistent on pushing her towards the Detective. She had gone on  _ one  _ date with him, thanks to Emily’s encouragement, when he’d been in DC a few months after the New Orleans case. 

She hadn’t been sure where the suggestion had come from then either. Before they’d gone to New Orleans, she could have sworn she and Emily were headed towards  _ something _ , but what it was she hadn’t been quite sure.

Their friendship was different than any others she had, the warmth and comfort she felt around Emily something that she didn’t have around anyone else, and their lives had seamlessly intertwined, coming together in a way that just made sense.

She’d spent more nights at Emily’s apartment in the city than she had at her own home, ending most nights slipping into a tattered Yale t-shirt and into Emily’s outrageously soft king-size bed with claims that the bed in the guest room wasn’t nearly as comfortable. Emily had never complained, and more than once JJ had been lulled to sleep by the gentle touch of Emily’s fingers in her hair. 

It had seemed natural the few times she had woken up with Emily plastered against her back, their bodies flush and feeling like they were made to fit together like this, but Emily had never said anything about it. 

Then they had caught the cause in New Orleans. 

It had been obvious that Will was interested, and if her head and heart hadn’t been so consumed with thoughts of Emily, she might have been interested too. She’d taken his card when they left, shoving it into her carry-on bag and forgetting about it until a month or so later. 

Emily had been digging through the outside pocket of the bag, looking for her favorite t-shirt that she knew JJ had a habit of stealing, finding the wrinkled card instead. She’d felt her heart drop, aching at the fact that JJ had kept it, and knowing that she wasn’t entitled to JJ’s attention in any way. 

Emily had been panicked about the feelings she held ever since she had woken up with an arm firmly holding JJ against her front. She knew how she felt about JJ- had known for a long time that the younger woman held a very special and singular place in her heart. 

She also knew that there was no way JJ would, or could, ever reciprocate. JJ was all things light and joyful- and being around her made Emily feel like the world was a good place, that good things could still happen, and that happiness was within her grasp. 

She thought of herself as the complete opposite, her entire being heavy with the weight of her own fears and doubts, and the sorrow she pushed down to a deep place inside of her had a sneaky way of seeping into every pure thing in her life. 

Emily thought back on her life, and the historical pattern of people leaving once they got to know the real her was blatant and biting- the thought leaving a sharp pain in her chest as the memories piled up as evidence. 

So she’d teased JJ about the card through a tight smile for the rest of the night before ultimately convincing her to text the Detective. The emotional side of her had been screaming at her to stop, to rip the card up and pretend it didn’t exist, but the rational side of her brain was yelling equally as loud to do whatever it took to maintain the walls she had built around her heart. 

JJ had gone home that night, the first sign that things between them were changing, and had spent her entire drive home pushing feelings of hurt aside, locking away any hope she had previously held for the two of them.

Her and Will had gone to one of her favorite restaurants a few weeks later, a quaint place that she and Emily frequented- the staff smiling fondly when she had walked in only for their grins to tighten when Will had walked in behind her. She’d caught it all, but wrote it off to the fact that they had just assumed the older woman would have been joining her, Emily’s own relationship with the owner running much deeper than her own. 

He was great company, their conversation flowing easily and naturally, and if she hadn’t spent the whole time thinking about how it felt wrong to be here without Emily she probably would have said yes when he asked her if she wanted to continue the night with drinks.

She knew she had been distracted during dinner, staring off a few times when she caught some of the staff glancing their way and whispering. Will had noticed, asking her more than once where her mind had wandered off to, and JJ had muttered a few apologies around soft laughs before continuing their conversation.

Feeling stupid for bringing Will to her and Emily’s spot, she figured she deserved the curious stares. She also figured that their favorite waitress had already conveyed her presence and current company to Emily- seeing the way she shifted her gaze from her phone towards JJ and back down before continuing her message.

The staff here were protective of Emily, and JJ smiled fondly at the simple fact that though Emily didn’t have family in the traditional sense- the one she had built for herself loved her fiercely. 

They had parted ways after dinner, Will leaving her with a soft kiss on the cheek and a whispered, “whoever they are, they’re lucky,” before walking the opposite way down the street. Giving him a genuine smile and waving goodbye, she’d enjoyed her short walk home.   
_   
_ _ Had she been that obvious? _

_ Was that why Emily had started pulling away? _

_ Would she ever be willing to risk what they had to find out? _

She wasn’t dense enough to deny the fact that her admiration for Emily ran so much deeper than a cherished friendship, but hadn't ever allowed her mind to fully run away with the idea, knowing full well her hopeful imagination would hurt her in the end.

Her own insecurities had taken over after that, her mind unable to get over that idea of Emily knowing how she felt and trying to slowly let her down easy. The months that followed the date had been strange- their talks had become lighter, their time less intimate, and even though Emily had pushed her away first, JJ knew her own actions were hurting the older woman.

The last few days in Florida had been strange, and JJ had been unable to hide her frustration and unease at the way Emily seemed intent on her giving Will another chance. Emily knew about their date, JJ had at least shared the basics of what had happened but kept Will’s parting words to herself, and hadn’t spoken about him since- leaving her entirely unsure of how Emily could think she had any lingering feelings for the Detective. 

Confused and trying to push away lingering feelings of hurt, JJ just stared at Emily, filling the space between them with silence. When Emily noticed that JJ wasn’t responding, she turned to look at the blonde, finding a look of disbelief tinged with the tiniest bit of anger. 

Emily started to ask what was wrong, but couldn’t form any words before she felt JJ wrap a tight hand around her forearm and drag her towards the front of the station. JJ was angry, she could tell that much from the way the younger woman’s fingernails were digging in slightly to the skin on the inside of her wrist, but her brain couldn’t seem to piece it all together. 

Things with them had been  _ off _ the last few months, partly her own doing, and it seemed like they were incapable of clearly communicating anything to each other- something that had always seemed so easy. 

She knew she had no right to be upset- she’d encouraged JJ to go on the date, but since then nothing had been the same. Things had been awkward between them, fumbling conversations and thin excuses for nights cut short happening more often than not, and Emily couldn’t see a clear path back to the way things used to be. 

The thick heat that hit her face as she was pulled out of the front doors brought her back to reality, JJ’s steps sure and determined as she walked them towards the parked SUV’s. JJ turned around quickly, a flash of anger in her eyes as she exhaled deeply and let herself lean against the passenger side door, staring at Emily through narrowed eyes for a few moments before speaking.

“What is up with you these last few days,” she started, her voice steady but with an undercurrent that told Emily she was on edge. “Every time I come near you, you have something to say about Will, which is confusing considering I absolutely remember telling you we weren’t going out again after our date.”

She started to continue, but couldn’t seem to find the right words to convey whatever mess of emotions were racing through her head right now, her shoulders deflating and body leaning more fully on the door behind her.

The look on JJ’s face was confusing Emily- and if she knew JJ, which she was sure she did even after the distance between them the last few months, she would swear that it was one of heartbreak. 

They hadn’t been on the same page in a while, and Emily knew this conversation wouldn’t be any different, her own mind a mess of emotions that she couldn’t sort through while JJ was looking at her like that. 

Emily could feel her heart beating, her pulse heavy in every part of her body. She knew what she wished she could respond with- empty statements about how Will would be good for her, how he was stable and kind and everything that she imagined when she pictured someone worthy of JJ’s time and love. 

That was safe, the idea of keeping JJ at a distance easier than the thought of any type of rejection, but she surprised even herself with the soft voice that came from her mouth. 

“I don’t know.”

It was a simple response, but somehow made everything more confusing between them, her voice breaking slightly around the words. 

“What do you mean you don’t know,” JJ spoke quickly, her resolve to keep her voice even fading quickly.

Emily opened and shut her mouth a few times, trying to piece together an explanation other than an “ _ I think I’m in love with you and it’s easier for me to deal with you choosing to be with someone else than offering myself to you and being rejected.” _

She didn't think that would be received well, but couldn’t think of anything else to appease the woman in front of her. 

“You’re my friend and I just want you to be happy,” was all she managed to string together.

“Will you stop? I’m not sure where this is coming from, Em, but it’s not like you to push me into someone I clearly want nothing to do with.” 

Some of the fight had left her voice, her words coming out softer than they had been before, and Emily felt her heart clench at the sound. Neither of them spoke for a while, the heavy silence passing between them.

“What happened to us?” It was JJ that spoke again, her voice breaking around the words, her eyes filling with tears she couldn’t hold back any more, the weight of the last few months falling down on her all at once. 

“Will seems like a great guy, you deserve someone like that.” 

Emily’s voice was absent of any real emotion, her eyes aimed at the piece of gravel she had been kicking around for the last minute or so.

“I don’t  _ want  _ Will,” JJ started, collecting herself a tad before continuing, annoyed that Emily couldn’t seem to answer any of her questions directly. “I deserve to be with someone I  _ want _ to be with, Em, and that isn’t him.”

Her voice was shaking now, and Emily could feel something inside of her chest tearing slowly. She wanted to reach out, to run a hand down JJ’s arm and pull her in close- She would have done it, if this were six months ago, but right now she just felt out of place and unsure.

Shifting back and forth of her feet, her hands opened and closed a few times into the fabric of her pants, she spoke carefully, not wanting to betray the way she was falling apart inside. 

“You should be with someone as good as you,” Emily spoke quietly, her voice resolute even though her whole being was crumbling. She lifted her head to meet JJ’s eyes, hoping that she could see the sincerity of her statement. 

Seeing the look on Emily’s face nearly broke her- for how hard she was trying to hide whatever pain was swirling in her, JJ almost laughed at how miserably Emily was failing. 

It was clear then, and JJ could have punched herself for not seeing it until now. Every insecurity and fear that had been tainting her own life these last few months were reflected clearly back to her in the look of grief Emily was wearing right now. 

Had it been there this whole time? 

She had known she hadn’t been making it all up, knew that the time they spent together went deeper than a friendship, but seeing it all so clearly in front of her was overwhelming. JJ wasn’t sure how to process the information, Emily’s words hinting at deep feelings of inadequacy she wasn’t sure how to heal. 

But something about the knowledge that Emily was feeling the same level of heartache over the last few months sent a wave of boldness coursing through her body- her brain ignoring the small voice of doubt that told her it was all wishful thinking. 

“And you don’t think I can decide who is good enough for me?” 

“Of course you can, I just-” Emily was cut off with JJ’s lips landing roughly against her own, two hands framing her face and holding on tight. 

She was shocked, her body still as she tried to comprehend what was happening. JJ took advantage of her lack of movement, spinning their bodies around and pressing Emily’s body back into the car behind them, mouth parting slightly only to close around the older woman’s again, hoping to get  _ some _ sort of reaction out of her. 

When there was still nothing, JJ moved back a few inches, her forehead coming to rest on Emily’s.

“Please tell me I’m not wrong, Em.” It came out barely above a whisper, the warm air from her voice falling softly against Emily’s mouth, and they could both hear the fear that laced the statement. “Tell me you don’t feel this, too.”

Emily’s eyes opened slowly, and she felt her brain try and slowly wrap itself around the last minute. Her mouth fell open slightly, anchored to reality only by the feeling of JJ’s thumb tracing soft lines across her cheek. Emily couldn’t stop the grin from spreading across her face, and JJ could feel her own smile widening in response. 

_ Of course I do.  _

JJ felt the words on her skin more than head them, and the movement of her lips finding Emily’s again felt automatic.

This time was different, Emily’s hands coming to tangle in JJ’s hair and pull her even closer- her teeth closing around JJ’s bottom lip and pulling softly, a soft noise of appreciation slipping out of the younger woman in response. 

JJ let her arms wind around Emily’s neck, and the heat of the night around them felt like nothing compared to the fire coming from the way their bodies were flush against each other’s. 

Their kiss was chaste by anyone’s standards, and when breathing became a necessity Emily pulled back, not letting her hands fall from where they held JJ close. Now that she knew what JJ tasted like, the way she sounded in the midst of passion, Emily knew she’d never be able to give this up. 

How they had ever both decided the risk wouldn’t have been worth the reward of this type of intimacy they’d never know- but it seemed like a fever dream, to both of them, that all the miscommunication and unresolved tension of that last few months had somehow landed them here. 

They had a lot to talk about, a lot of hurt and grief to work through, but right now, with Emily’s hands running through JJ’s hair, twin smiles painted on their faces, they felt like they just might be able to make it work. 

**Author's Note:**

> anyways i love you and i love these two idiots that just can't seem to ever get on the same page


End file.
